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<\/a>I\u2019ve learned a lot about happiness, success, and joy in the last few years. Many would say my father died doing what he loved. He did love flying, and it brought him joy. I could be upset from losing him in my life, but I \u2013 instead \u2013 am thankful for the limited amount of time we shared; we accomplished a lot in our years together. In time, you have to find a way to let the pain go and focus your life on what is good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Rest in peace, Dad.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I was 11 years old. I was so young that I remember playing with Legos on the family room floor. At the time, I found it a point of pride to answer the phone in the house, but at 5:15pm … Continue reading
As I discussed in a blog post back in 2015<\/a>, my father was a passionate pilot who came to Cincinnati in 1979. Nearly all of the planes he flew were based at Lunken Airport, and that\u2019s where I spent a weeks of my childhood with him. We also traveled as a family a lot; I look at my time like the career of The Beatles: a partnership built on love and care with many good memories but which also ended too soon. He died in a plane crash on September 17, 1996.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now 25 years later, I have learned a lot from my father\u2019s death, but I also have many questions. Because of my loss, I\u2019ve also had to help, assist, or grow with people who have experienced tragedy. If you\u2019ve lost someone you care about \u2013 whether it was recently or years ago \u2013 I want to share some things I\u2019ve learned as an unfortunate veteran of loss.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
1) It\u2019s okay to grieve, and you should grieve.<\/strong> Weakness \u2013 including sadness of frustration \u2013 are <\/strong>often dismissed or frowned upon in the world. There is a seemingly constant pressure everywhere to be strong and resilient. But \u2013 despite what everyone tells you \u2013 you should and must grieve when you experience a loss. Pushing hard-to-deal-with feelings aside only prolongs and delays the pain and keeps the healing that it found through hardship away. If you don\u2019t take the time to process the loss or emptiness you\u2019re feeling, your grief will just be waiting for you until you get to it, and the lack of resolution within will bring you down eventually. Grieving is not something you should fear; in the end, you\u2019ll see that it was a path to your own peace. If you\u2019re a person of faith, know that Matthew 5:4 says \u201cBlessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
2) You\u2019re going to need to re-visit grieving sometimes. <\/strong>During the pandemic and through months of stress and strain, I realized that I never fully grieved. Grieving isn\u2019t a process you go through and just put away; losses you experience \u2013 to some degree \u2013 last a lifetime. There will be many times you realize you didn\u2019t resolve all of the issues or needed help. I wish my father was around when I was growing up to teach me about relationships or how to deal with highly political job environments. It would have been nice for him to guide me through career changes, too. He wasn\u2019t here, and sometimes it\u2019s just nice to have that voice to guide you\u2026including when everyone else is quiet. In those moments, it\u2019s easy to get frustrated or even angry. Why did he or she leave? Why where they taken from me? You can\u2019t be too busy to work through it; you need to talk to someone, but you also need to understand that you can\u2019t just deny feeling sad or frustrated \u2013 which you should be. You didn\u2019t know that 20 years after they were gone that you would win an award and they would not be there. You didn\u2019t know that after a tragedy would come a celebration that just felt emptier than usual because you just lost someone. There\u2019s no way around it; you must work through it. Grieving is like rest; when your body and mind need it, there\u2019s no substitution for it. And when you help others with your grieving, you\u2019re going to need something constructive \u2013 perhaps even your own grieving \u2013 to heal and recharge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
3) Mentally prepare yourself for supporting others and their losses that may be bigger than yours. <\/strong>I remember I was in college when I got a call from the family member of a close friend. He said my friend wanted to see me immediately. He was grieving. His sister had just killed his mother, and he said I could help him with the grieving and calm him down. While I was happy to help my friend, my loss was far more extreme than mine. I had lost my father suddenly, but he had just lost his mother and likely contact with his sister for many years to come. How was I to help a friend through this? Somehow, when I walked up to my friend minutes later, I assured him we would get through this no matter how awful things seemed right now and gave him a hug. Outside of sleeping, I spent the days that followed sitting next to my friend. That experience reminded me that giving someone a hug, holding someone\u2019s hand, and listening to them helps both you and others grieve. You don\u2019t have to solve their problems, even if they are bigger than yours or what you think you can handle; the goal is to be their friend and support them unconditionally.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/a>
4) Life goes on quickly for others and far more slowly for you.<\/strong> By the way, no one tells you this, and it\u2019s frustrating. A week after my father\u2019s death in 1996, I went back to school. People were happy to see me, but they didn\u2019t know my father, and they didn\u2019t understand my loss. From their point of view, I was just not at school for a week. My teachers came to my father\u2019s funeral, but \u2013 again \u2013 they were just there to support me; my loss was not their loss. In hindsight, all of the adults that came to my father\u2019s funeral and visitation over the previous weekend were back to work on that Monday; they were likely sad or still reflecting that day, but some had moved on. Fast forward to the clock 6 or 12 months in the future, and even more people had moved on. They were healing a lot faster than I was. At some point, your life, too, must continue. Being alone or isolated in your healing is not ideal. You\u2019ve been dealt a blow, and it doesn\u2019t seem fair. But this reality means it is important for you talk to someone, including a medical professional. There is no shame in talking to a psychiatrist or psychologist. Talking to friends is good, too, but you must quickly realize that they will grow tired of listening, especially without incremental progress; friends are not designed to keep you afloat after a significant tragedy or loss. As this blog post shows, you are not alone. A network of friends will help, but your help from them will be limited. Do not hesitate to talk to someone, and stay connected to the ones you love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
5) Keep your memories in a form that is up to date.<\/strong> I still have the C-tapes where my father recorded home movies. Physical media breaks down over time, so those C-tapes have gradually worn out. During the years I was grieving, recovering, and going through life, my memories on video have been sitting in a drawer\u2026slowly breaking down. I realized this a couple of years ago, and I have converted over many of the individual tapes thus far. Those tapes are one of only a few ways I can hear my father\u2019s voice again. I\u2019m glad I remembered about these tapes and got the tools to keep the memories alive; I encourage you to do the same. Put your memories in a form where you can enjoy them for years to come. More importantly, keep a record of dates, times, and who is in the photos and videos you keep. You may not want to hear this, but other people you may know may die in the years that come; this is a reminder to not just treasure your time with them, but this is also a reminder to use their knowledge to help you know as much as you can about your memories. Who is in that photo? When was that video taken? Is there a good story that goes with that photo that you\u2019ll want to tell your kids?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/a>
6) A loss is a great time to see who really cares. <\/strong>When the funeral is over and people have to go home to their home and job, who will still contact you? Who will send cards? Who will call and see if you\u2019re OK? Who actually cares about your happiness and well-being? A loss or tragedy can really do a number on you, but it\u2019s also a teaching moment. You deserve friends that care and want you to be happy. Don\u2019t make drastic moves, but take note of who just says \u201cI\u2019m sorry for your loss\u201d and who actually cares about your health and peace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
7) Your mind will likely work differently after a significant loss. <\/strong>The times of loneliness in life seem longer than the times of joy. You\u2019ll spend many hours of your life after a significant loss searching for answers, trying to understand why the healing isn\u2019t coming faster, why you don\u2019t feel better, why others around you never seem to bear the burdens you have, and why everyone else has seemingly forgotten about the loss you all just went through. You may also wonder what you could have done to prevent your loss. Why did my father go flying that day? Why did he fly an experimental plane? Why didn\u2019t he tell me about that plane? I could be angry and upset; I have every right to be. But I\u2019ve also learned that I could better spend my time talking to a professional, talking to a friend, or grieving. Your loss is part of your story. Being bitter will not help you; you can\u2019t just wish them back. Life goes on, not backward. Your story, however, will be different because of the losses or tragedy you experience. Let that be your strength, not a weakness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
8) Days will get better, but the loss never completely goes away. <\/strong>As you get older, the memories become less clear, the number of days you don\u2019t think about them or think about them as much increase, and the pain and frustration go down. Despite this, there will be days where you wish you were there to learn from or listen to the person you lost. Some days will feature reminders of those you lost, and some days will go smoothly without these memories entering your mind. As days go by, you also see what people told you along the way \u2013 \u201cyou will get through this,\u201d \u201cbrighter days are ahead,\u201d and \u201clife goes on\u201d \u2013 become true.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/a>